TwiTalk
by InuYashaBaby1
Summary: Our favorite Twilight characters in seemingly random conversations. The conversations are from any book, and aren't in order. Rated M for sexual references up the wazoo, and sometimes language. Classic Pairings...Maybe.
1. Vanilla Milk Shake

**Twi-Talk**

**BY InuYashaBaby1**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Never had, never will.**

**AN: R&R, This chapter takes place 17 years after Breaking Dawn. The Cullen girls get into discussing a little thing called boys and sizes. **

**Chapter 1: Vanilla Milk Shake**

**BEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBE**

All the Cullen girls were sitting around the homestead, minding their own business. Bella was reading a book called 'Twilight' and was somewhat scared by the accuracies to her life this Meyer lady had. Nessie was sitting next to her, flipping the TV in between an episode of 'Growing Pains' and the E! True Hollywood Story!-on 'Growing Pains'. Alice was watching intently as Nessie switched channels, wondering which one Nessie would eventually choose. Rosalie was reading: BITCH! Monthly. Just kidding, she was reading a copy of People Magazine, but was holding it upside down. Ah, what a dumb blonde. (Also kidding-she was reading a magazine on cars, but was in fact holding upside down.) Esme was reading a motherhood book of some sort, trying to understand sibling rivalry.

"Would you just tell me which one I choose already?" Nessie complained to her Aunt Alice.

"I don't know, every second the vision changes." Alice said, shrugging her pixie-like shoulders. Nessie, groaning, turned off the TV all together.

"Maybe I should just do something else." Nessie stood up, stretching her humpire fingers to the sky.

"Yeah, we should go to the mall." Alice chirped. "Your wardrobe is exceedingly lacking."

"What's wrong with my outfit?" Nessie asked, gesturing to her 'WA STATE-IT RAINS' sweatshirt and her loose boot-cut jeans.

"You know, I find myself wondering if Emmett posted another blog." Bella thought allowed.

"You inherited your mother's sense of fashion. " Alice rolled her eyes.

"Just because you don't like my sense of fashion doesn't make it okay to pick on your only nice," Esme observed. "Be nice, Alice dear."

"Edward has a great sense of style. She got everything from Edward, except for her eyes and the fashion sense." Alice moaned.

"Edward has A LOT of great things." Bella winked over the top of her book.

"Ew, Mom don't talk about sex with Daddy." Nessie smothered her face into a couch cushion.

"Hey," Rosalie said, placing down her magazine of debated purpose, "How big is Edward? I've always wanted to know ever since he turned me down."

"If I could, you know I'd be blushing." Bella said.

"What do you mean 'how big is Edward'? Aren't all guys the same size?" Nessie commented.

"No dear, it's like the size of your breasts. It varies." Esme told the Naïve young girl.

"So, how big is Edipuss?" Alice asked, now clearly in the conversation. Bella made a gesture with her hands similar to if someone was telling the fish was THIIIIIS big story.

"Huh, that's a good nine inches." Rose commented. "That's huuuge compared to Emmett-he's like a 7 and a half."

"Carlisle's an 8, but I really don't think it's the size that matters." Esme added while Nessie was burying her head into a pillow.

"Of course size matters!" Rose interjected.

"You shouldn't be talking, you've got exponential universe Emmett." Alice laughed.

"Very funny, Ms. Pixie. How big is Jasper?" Rosalie sneered, her eyes glued to her 'sister'

"He's a twelve-at least." Alice smiled with smugness. She flipped her short dark hair. She added a wink.

"A TWELVE?" Nessie screamed, unable to hold on any longer. "Jake's only like-a six!" All eyes turned to the 17 year old on the couch.

"And just how do you know that?" Bella asked, leaning on her daughter, her gold eyes gleaming with anger, and she was partially wondering how many _Jake _burritos she could force into the microwave, or even Jake omelets, a Jake chili-con carne possibly a Jake parmesan, if she was getting in an Italian mood. Nessie's face was red with fierce blush, her eyes weird with astonishment.

"I-uh-I uh..." Nessie couldn't finish her sentence as 4 vampires surrounded her with angry looks. An idea flooded into her mind, and she suddenly pictured Jake running out of the bathroom and having his pants down. A totally fake image, of course. She and Jake had been doing it for a while now. She reached out and touched Bella's face, who nodded to accept this. She sighed, and Bella warded off Nessie's aunts, they all trusted her way too much. "I'm going for a walk." Nessie choked out, heading out to the front door. She ran as fast as she could, tripping over rocks and branched because of the nervousness left over from her close encounter with vampire females of the third kind.

"Hey good looking," Jake smiled at her, stopping her in her tracks.

"Hey, Jake." Nessie smiled playfully back.

"So what happened with the girls?" He asked, leaning on a tree behind him.

"Oh-nothing, just they suspected about us you know, doing it, but I veered them off that course, don't worry. " Nessie smiled proudly.

"Yeah, because we've been doing it every night since your 13th birthday." Jake said.

"Buss-ted!" Called a familiar deep voice from behind the bushes. Emmett stood in front of them, grinning wickedly.

"Aww, maybe next time we shouldn't have such a blatantly obvious success monologue." Nessie observed, facing Jake.

**End chapter 1**

**BEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEB**

**AN: YAY! Okay, you might not get the title, it's an inside joke, and it has to do with Jasper. This is meant to be funny by the way, so don't like...bash me, or anything. Also, I know it's short, sorry, it's just a conversation, so...! R&R! **


	2. Full House

**Twi-Talk**

**BY InuYashaBaby1**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Never had, never will.**

**AN: Hi guys! This story takes place during Breaking Dawn. The Boys settled down to play a game of Poker. Dirty Poker. This started with an idea I had and I just went with it. This chapter is really a lot of fun in my opinion, I hope you enjoy it ^-^. However, there's A LOT of language in here, so...yah.**

**Chapter 2-Full House**

**JRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJR**

As the Cullen boys (plus Jake) settled down for a quick game of poker, Jake paused for a moment. He looked down at Carlisle, and very calmly, asked:

"Wait just a minute...How can Jasper and Edward play? Jasper can feel emotions, so he'd know when we're lying, and Ed can read minds."

"That's the challenge, dude!" Emmett shouted excitedly and slapped Jacob on the back. Ouch, he winced, that was going to leave a bruise. "This isn't just any game of poker."

"I'm not going to play strip poker with you bloodsuckers." Jake said. Emmett, Edward, and Jasper burst out laughing.

"No, no. Jesus, you'd faint at the sizes of our disco sticks!" Emmett laughed. No one else did.

"Did you get that from a Lady Gaga song?" Jasper asked apprehensively. Emmett just stood like a giant statue.

"Psssht...no!" Emmett denied. "Where would you get _that_ idea?" Emmett denied, but the skeptical boys ignored him. They settled around a small, antique poker table. Personalized Cullen playing cards. Jake laughed at that, Fuck, these people were richer than the guy who owned McDonalds.

"We do own McDonalds." Edward winked. Jake groaned.

"Do you want us to explain the rules?" Jasper asked calmly. Carlisle picked up the deck of cards and shuffled them so quickly that Jake lost sight of them. Jake nodded apprehensively, afraid of what kind of rules these vampires would come up with.

"Hiya boys." Alice smiled, coming in the room. She was wearing a short mini skirt that was black and white stripes. She wore a tight top, low cut that showed off her great figure. And-Jake gulped-no bra. She was wearing a small whistle. Jasper smiled and she went to sit in his lap.

"What the fuck?" Jake said.

"Ah, Alice is the Ref." Edward explained.

"Okay, because she has powers too right?"

"Yeah." Alice smiled brightly. "Okay, I'll explain how you play. It's simple. The game is played just like Poker, but, of course you can't actually think of the cards in your hand or, you know, you'd lose. So, I'll shout out an image, and you instantly have to think of that image, and feel that image." Alice smiled daintily as she said it.

"What type of images?" Jake asked purely out of curiosity.

"Porn! What else!" Emmett smiled. Jake instantly regretted playing this Poker game. It was the Cullens. He should have known.

"Alright, lets begin." Alice bounced, dealing out the cards in lightning speeds. Jake looked at his cards, which were face down. "Okay-hmmm...first image, Rosalie naked." Jake's eyes shot open. He tried to imagine blondie naked, and finally he got it.

Long hair flowing down her pale form, her golden eyes glistening in the deep moonlight. She had a round, tight ass, and curvy hips, she beckoned to Jake with her long slim finger. Then in a seductive voice she whispered: "Look at your cards." Jake repositioned his pants a little, and kept the image alive in his head. He glanced at his cards quickly, but did not think about them-a Three of hearts, a four of clubs, a two of diamonds, a queen (which was actually Rosalie, Jake found that ironic) of hearts, and a three of clubs. Not a great hand, but he could deal with it. He continued to focus on Rosalie, who was biting her ruby red lips and turning around to face him... Jesus, Jake had never felt like _this_ about Rosalie before. (It helped that he had a good imagination, though...)

"Okay boys next round." Alice said quietly. "Make your calls, this time Bella."

"Hey, that's not fair. We've never done it with Bella before!" Edward said, leaning forward on the table as the silent bets were being made.

"It's completely fair! All of the wives have been subject to this at one point! Now that Bella is officially part of the family, I think we should go for it." Alice smiled wider. She blew her whistle playfully, and all Jake could think about was Bella.

She was laying on his bed her face covered in warm blush. Her soft, pink body reached up for Jake. She bit her middle finger, 'Oh Jake' she cried.

"Jesus Mother Fucking Christ." Edward hissed. "You guys are disgusting." Jake looked at him in disdain.

"What? She's one sexy girl." Emmett smiled. "You couldn't please her as much as I could."

"Wrong, Em-but Jasper's bondage fetish has got to be the worst." Edward rolled his eyes.

"Who are you kidding Edward? Haven't you read fan fiction lately? Don't you know that an astronomical percentage of the Twilight fan base is actually BellaXJasper!" Jasper looked at Edward incredulously. "Besides, girls eat that bondage shit up."

"And Carlisle! Go find Esme to stick your stethoscope up!" Edward yelled. "Certainly don't do it to my Bella! ALICE CULLEN! YOU TOO! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!"

"What? Femmeslash is sooo much more popular these days." Alice winked at Edward.

"You seem a might jealous."Jake added.

"Not of you, Jake, you're an inexperienced cunt head who wouldn't know his dick from a postage stamp!" Edward screamed. Jake fell out of his chair.

"Well for your information, my dick is far larger than a postage stamp!"

"Pssht...you couldn't please a woman if your cock vibrated!" Edward laughed.

"Since when did the men of this house start getting so mouthy!" Jake heard Esme say as she walked by.

"I SO COULD! ...If my cock vibrated." Jake whined, and the Cullen boys laughed.

"Yeah, us Cullen's we can please a woman just by looking at them." Emmett smiled.

"Fuck yes we can." Jasper hollered, giving a high five to Emmett.

"Well, all of us except for SexEd over here." Emmett pointed out, and Jake roared with laughter.

"I'll have you know that Bella and I enjoy a fantastic sexual relationship." Edward scoffed.

"Actually he's right," Jasper agreed.

"I please Bella far more than any of you please your spouses, and I have far less experience than all of you."

"Ah it seems Edward Cullen has a full house." Stated Alice.

Jake rolled his eyes. Edward Cullen ALWAYS got the full house.

**BEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBBEBEBEBBEBEBE**

**AN: YAY! I've been meaning to write for a while now, thanks for reading! Please leave a nice little review. See that box-it has green writing on it-Review story/chapter? That's right. I wanna know what you think! Reviews=More chapters.**


End file.
